Mothers Day

As mothers day moves closer and closer i realize this is going to be the 3rd consecutive year that Colter and i have celebrated No Socks and a Coke day instead of mothers day simply because i hurts to much to think about. Of course i call my mom and colters mom to tell them happy mothers day but what am i supposed to do when they say o you too. I just want to scream IM NOT A MOM YET! and there is nothing i can do about it!  I know most people dont realize the feelings and the stress that infertility brings upon couples and i try to be nice and just shrug it off but after 3 years of trying and No success at all it really starts to wear on your self esteem and your emotions. Alot of the time i just feel numb because if i try to feel happy or sad or any type of emotion i just cry. I went to a baby shower this past weekend and i was forced to participate but i really couldnt say anything without my voice cracking, I really didnt want to talk to anyone because all they want to talk about is... So when are you going to have a baby? When are we going to have a baby shower for you? and maybe i was to negative or something but i was about to break and I just said " As far as right now Never!" i figured that was the best way to say something without being mean and it could have been taken two ways.

I think the hardest part about this is watching my sweet husband suffer because of me and my inability to get pregnant. He has so many bitter feelings that he expresses but i know he just needs to get it off his chest, this is really just as stressful for him as it is for me but it breaks my heart watching him hurt and knowing there is nothing that wither him or I can do about it.

Im going to back up for a minute i get on here and just pour out my feelings without a back story.

Our fertility Journey started in August 2010 we had been married a year and we had just gotten sealed in the Idaho falls temple. We really wanted kids right away but Colter and i decided that we wanted our children to be born in the covenant so we waited a year. After we went through the temple we started trying to get pregnant we tried all the "tricks" people had told us about and nothing was working so right before i graduated hair school i went to the Dr. and found out that i have PCOS. I did my homework and found out that alot of people get pregnant having PCOS so i wasnt to scared or worried i just knew that it was going to take a little longer. We soon moved to Pittsburgh and it seemed like every person we knew out there had kids or was pregnant and just popping out babies. It was really stressful on me because it was the only thing i wanted and everyone around me was getting it except me. So for mothers day that year we started No Socks and A Coke Day instead of Mothers day and Colter was amazing and went all out to make me feel better. We went for a walk along the river and had a picnic in the city. We also bought new flip flops for both of us and a very large coke. (caffeine helps the heart) That August we moved back to Pocatello and that was year one trying to get pregnant.

Once we moved back i immediately found a great obgyn to see if we could pinpoint the problem well my doctor ran all of the same test we did a year earlier and more. and same thing " Its just PCOS we can fix it and we can get you pregnant" so of course i was super excited. Well he started me on three months of birth control to regulate my cycle. Then three cycles of clomid. The clomid made me crazy and my poor sweet husband had to deal with my mood swings and dizziness and laziness it really didnt matter what happened i was constantly yelling at him ( I told him sorry in advance for anything i do or say when im on clomid ). I took two rounds of clomid two months in a row ( i think it was may and june) then i missed july. August came and i was under alot of stress for who knows what now well we went camping for my birthday and all of a sudden AF showed up and it was not pretty i later found out i miscarried. September i took my last round of clomid and nothing. All the the dr visits and everything was just stressing me out so i decided not to do anything to crazy during the holidays that way i could actually be nice to the people around me. So that was year #2 of trying to get a baby

After the first of the year I went back to the Dr and he wanted to put me back on birth control again to regulate but i eventually stated on my own (thank goodness i hate BC). Also Colter went to the doctor and had to have a minor procedure to increase his motility. It really wasnt absolutely necessary but there was a chance that it would help us get pregnant so we did it. So now i just took my first round of clomid. My side effects actually were not to bad this time i was a little grumpy and crazy tired i also had really low blood sugar for a couple of days like to the point i just about passed out at work, and had to come home one day but it wasnt terrible. I have been doing ovulation tests every day since the last day of AF and everyday its another negative im stressing and i have had a couple of days where i lose every emotion and just sob aand cry and my amazing husband just holds me and lets me cry as much as i need to. My prayers are deeper and more emotional than they have ever been and I feel like im not getting an answer to my prayers. I beleive heavenly father has a plan for me and Colter but this trial is really pulling at my faith and my self esteem. I really dont know how to overcome this one. Now that Mothers day is coming up again this is year Three of trying to get pregnant and its the hardest year of my life so far. I hate feeling like i want to punch someone in the face because they get pregnant so easily, or because they complain about being a mom I really hate feeling bitter but i cant help it.

What i would give for cuddle time, or to wake up at 2 am to take care of someone who truly loves you and needs you. To have a piece of heaven in my home and take pictures and videos of my family, and to see my husband hold our child, what i would give for those opportunities. Be so thankful for the amazing spirits that have been sent into your home because there are people who only wish they had what you have. Im really tryin to keep my head up and focus on the positive and not be stressed out but if is really not as easy as it sounds beleive me ive tired lol

 

2012 since I'm a slacker

Does anyone else feel like they lost last year? I feel like it went way to fast. So since im a slacker ill update the whole year in a nutshell.

Colter and I moved to Pocatello at the end of 2011 we moved into the most terrible little apartment (thanks to Colter for choosing it out all by himself) Thank you dear. I had to re-clean the whole place and i'm not talking cleaning like you normally would when you move into a new apartment. I'm talking i had to literally scrub the red dirt off the walls and out of the floors, we also had tile counter tops (with grout) so that made cooking interesting.It was a one bedroom basement apartment that if you put your hands above your head you could punch through the ceiling. There were 4 power outlets in the entire apartment (not in the bathroom) so we had cords hooked to cords and everything plugged into the cords, It was one big fire hazard. We stayed there a whole year. regardless of someone trying to break in twice during December and the first part of January.

So the reason we moved to Pocatello in the first place, Colter was accepted into the Law Enforcement Program at Idaho state University. He started in January and was done by October. The program went straight through the year no breaks so we didn't really have time or a chance to see any of our family and friends more than a few times I feel like we are secluded all the way down here. While Colter was in the academy he got a job working for the university as a Public Safety Officer (which really helped financially) he was getting awesome benefits and school cost us $5 per credit so after he graduated the academy in October he decided to take advantage of the opportunity and finish his associates degree ( we might as well since were already here).

 I have been doing hair since we got down here i started working at a salon in walmart and i hated it worst job i've had in a long time. In July i finally had enough of working in a crappy job so i switched to a different privately owned salon. Its been amazing and i now love my job.

We got to go down to conference in SLC in October which was amazing, to be in the conference center in such a monumental time in the church was indescribable Thank you to Kiera and Craig Conover for giving us an excuse to come down and enjoy conference with you guys. I helped megan with her junior miss at the beginning of the year, we also got to go to Lagoon, and I coached cheer for a great group of girls.

On a more personal note we decided to get serious about having a baby and stop messing around so much. I started going to the doctor and we having really been trying to figure things out. ( its not as easy as everyone says) I have really been struggling as we have fought through this last year trying to figure out why we arnt getting pregnant. But through alot of prayers and alot of tears we may be getting closer to finding the problem. I hate to be a complainer and i really dont like people to feel sorry for me so dont say sorry or offer condolences it only makes it harder. If you want to help just send your prayers. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for Colter and I and our Family and he works on his time.

We have been under alot of stress recently with this year or so struggle with infertility. There have been huge stressful struggles with my family and finding out who real friends are. but through all the problems and the hurt we have grown closer as a family. Colter and i have grown closer as a couple. If there is one thing that i have learned this year is the importance of forgiving those who hurt you I have been on an emotional rollercoaster because things from the past have been brought up of people that i need to forgive and i cant but im working on it. I know things will work out for the best and i know that heavenly father will carry me though if he has to but I will get though it heck i already made it to 2013 and almost through the first month so far which is AMAZING because i have had the worst luck since midnight on the 1st. Ive fried my eyebrows/eyelashes, dropped my NEW iphone in the toilet, cut my hand pretty good with a screwdriver and then my scissors the next day, slipped on the snow and landed flat on my back in the mud and knocked the wind out of myself, devoloped a HUGE bruise on my arm from having blood drawn, and cut my forehead with a bush. so if this is the way 2013 is going to play out i want to skip it haha

Well hang in there everybody and i hope you have better luck this year than i have had so far.

Our trip home

Life is full of Beauty, Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, the smiling faces. Smell the rain and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and Fight for your Dreams.

New York

New York is definitely my favorite place I've ever been. just the sound and the feel of the city pulls me in and holds on to my heart. Even though we were only there for 8 hours this trip i feel like a left apart of me there again. It was the first time colter and megan had ever been there, megan was automatically in love with NYC just like i was the first time i went. Colter was kind of a stinker the whole time we were there he didnt want to go see all of the cool things that i wanted to show him but i guess its ok because i told him that he owes me a trip back because he was just not very fun for anybody. lol