I think the hardest part about this is watching my sweet husband suffer because of me and my inability to get pregnant. He has so many bitter feelings that he expresses but i know he just needs to get it off his chest, this is really just as stressful for him as it is for me but it breaks my heart watching him hurt and knowing there is nothing that wither him or I can do about it.
Im going to back up for a minute i get on here and just pour out my feelings without a back story.
Our fertility Journey started in August 2010 we had been married a year and we had just gotten sealed in the Idaho falls temple. We really wanted kids right away but Colter and i decided that we wanted our children to be born in the covenant so we waited a year. After we went through the temple we started trying to get pregnant we tried all the "tricks" people had told us about and nothing was working so right before i graduated hair school i went to the Dr. and found out that i have PCOS. I did my homework and found out that alot of people get pregnant having PCOS so i wasnt to scared or worried i just knew that it was going to take a little longer. We soon moved to Pittsburgh and it seemed like every person we knew out there had kids or was pregnant and just popping out babies. It was really stressful on me because it was the only thing i wanted and everyone around me was getting it except me. So for mothers day that year we started No Socks and A Coke Day instead of Mothers day and Colter was amazing and went all out to make me feel better. We went for a walk along the river and had a picnic in the city. We also bought new flip flops for both of us and a very large coke. (caffeine helps the heart) That August we moved back to Pocatello and that was year one trying to get pregnant.
Once we moved back i immediately found a great obgyn to see if we could pinpoint the problem well my doctor ran all of the same test we did a year earlier and more. and same thing " Its just PCOS we can fix it and we can get you pregnant" so of course i was super excited. Well he started me on three months of birth control to regulate my cycle. Then three cycles of clomid. The clomid made me crazy and my poor sweet husband had to deal with my mood swings and dizziness and laziness it really didnt matter what happened i was constantly yelling at him ( I told him sorry in advance for anything i do or say when im on clomid ). I took two rounds of clomid two months in a row ( i think it was may and june) then i missed july. August came and i was under alot of stress for who knows what now well we went camping for my birthday and all of a sudden AF showed up and it was not pretty i later found out i miscarried. September i took my last round of clomid and nothing. All the the dr visits and everything was just stressing me out so i decided not to do anything to crazy during the holidays that way i could actually be nice to the people around me. So that was year #2 of trying to get a baby
After the first of the year I went back to the Dr and he wanted to put me back on birth control again to regulate but i eventually stated on my own (thank goodness i hate BC). Also Colter went to the doctor and had to have a minor procedure to increase his motility. It really wasnt absolutely necessary but there was a chance that it would help us get pregnant so we did it. So now i just took my first round of clomid. My side effects actually were not to bad this time i was a little grumpy and crazy tired i also had really low blood sugar for a couple of days like to the point i just about passed out at work, and had to come home one day but it wasnt terrible. I have been doing ovulation tests every day since the last day of AF and everyday its another negative im stressing and i have had a couple of days where i lose every emotion and just sob aand cry and my amazing husband just holds me and lets me cry as much as i need to. My prayers are deeper and more emotional than they have ever been and I feel like im not getting an answer to my prayers. I beleive heavenly father has a plan for me and Colter but this trial is really pulling at my faith and my self esteem. I really dont know how to overcome this one. Now that Mothers day is coming up again this is year Three of trying to get pregnant and its the hardest year of my life so far. I hate feeling like i want to punch someone in the face because they get pregnant so easily, or because they complain about being a mom I really hate feeling bitter but i cant help it.
What i would give for cuddle time, or to wake up at 2 am to take care of someone who truly loves you and needs you. To have a piece of heaven in my home and take pictures and videos of my family, and to see my husband hold our child, what i would give for those opportunities. Be so thankful for the amazing spirits that have been sent into your home because there are people who only wish they had what you have. Im really tryin to keep my head up and focus on the positive and not be stressed out but if is really not as easy as it sounds beleive me ive tired lol
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